Existence
by Kazzy
Summary: Everyone has a limit and for most, condemning a child to ‘hell’ is probably it. A story from the beginnings of X5. PLEASE R&R. New Chapter: So long had it been since she’d really taken the time to look in the mirror, that the change was shocking.
1. Prologue

**Title –** Existence (Prologue)  
**Spoilers –** Heat; probably no further  
**Keywords –** Pre-show, angst  
**Characters – **Lydecker, surrogate mothers, OCs  
**Summary –** Everyone has a limit; and for most, condemning a child to 'hell' is probably it. A story about the beginning of X5.  
**Disclaimer –** I don't own Dark Angel and its associated characters and themes. I created Shauna, Christopher and probably one or two others.  
**Notes –**Keep reading, not all of it is as weird as the first post!

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_Does fate exist? I can't work it out. I've spent hours of my life thinking about it and when it all boils down, there does not seem to be a shred of proof to either support or refute the existence of fate._

_Did fate bring me here? Did she (I'm told fate is female) choose this path for me? Going back, did she kill my parents? Am I who I am because of fate? And the big one: is fate the reason I became part of the Guild? It was not a choice on my part. Only twelve years old, stricken by loneliness and grief – can I really be held responsible for the choice I made?_

_Yet another question that burns like acid through my mind is: if fate does exist, does that mean God doesn't? Despite the path I chose, my parents, before their deaths, raised me Christian. So if our existence has been set in stone (by fate) since the beginning of time, what need is there for a god, even an all-powerful one? And if there is no God, did my parents lie to me?_

_Maybe it was they that told me the truth and it is fate that is the lie. At this point I really do not know. All I have is what I am now. I can't change that._

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**A/N:** Hmm, prologue. This just a small pov by Shauna, the central character in this fic. It's a little strange, I know, but keep reading.


	2. Part One: Chapter One

**Rating –** PG-13 (language)  
**Disclaimer –** I don't own Dark Angel and its associated characters and themes. I created Shauna, Christopher and probably one or two others.  
**Notes –** Like I said, I'm re-writing this. I doubt anyone remembers this story even existed. But I'd still appreciate people's thoughts. I'm tweaking bits here and there, hoping it flows better and maybe one or two things can be fixed.

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_The wheel goes round and round, some are up and some are on the down, and still the wheel goes round. – Josephine Pollard_  
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January 1997 

Getting out of the car Shauna shivered in a way that went beyond the cold winter day. Glancing up, she looked to see if the proverbial cloud had passed over the sun . . . _oh get a grip!_ she told herself, _how melodramatic can you be?_ On her first official assignment, she was starting to sound like someone out of a cheesy horror novel. Great way to impress everyone – _that_ would really keep her alive. Still, something undeniably _evil_ seemed to hang about this place . . . eugh – there she went again.

She was here to act as a bodyguard of sorts to some women who had agreed to be surrogate mothers for babies that were part of some genetic engineering project. She did not entirely agree with genetic engineering, particularly not with people. The way she figured it, if God had wanted them different, He would have made them different. However, it was not her place to say what was or was not right – she was here to do a job, the one she had been training for all her life. And she would do it. End of story.

Trained from her parents' death to be used as an assassin or a bodyguard, Shauna was a deadly fighter, but she also had to blend perfectly with society. At twenty-two she was small, neat with long, dark hair and light blue eyes. There was very little that distinguished her from the rest of the world's nearly six billion people.

Glancing around, she noticed the signs of winter. The chill in the air, trees – with the exception of the evergreens, dotted here and there – were bare. It was all wrong. At home it was much warmer than this, maybe it was winter there too, but at least it was sunny. She loved the heat of the sun, something this place seemed to lack. Some might consider this a bad omen. Shauna really hated winter.

"Onwards and upwards," she muttered to herself as she headed towards the main building, where she assumed the guy she would be reporting to, Colonel Donald Lydecker, would be. While technically he was to be her superior in actual fact he had no real power over her. She worked for others; he and his had merely hired her. _This should be interesting,_ she thought.

"Hey there."

Spinning at the sound of a voice, her body took on a defensive pose. She blinked and relaxed when she saw the guy standing before her was no threat. Shauna hadn't realized she was so tense; usually she could control such reactions. The man in front of her stood frozen stunned, but relaxed as she did.

"Uh, sorry, I didn't mean to surprise you. If you are Shauna Harris, then I'm supposed to be meeting you and escorting you to Colonel Lydecker."

Shauna regarded him warily, he might not pose a current threat, but as an unknown entity, it would wise to be cautious. "I am she. Who are you?"

"Christopher Mason." He held out a hand, for her to shake. Now that Shauna had eliminated him as an immediate trouble she could take in his true appearance. She noticed that he was good-looking, a few years older then herself. Not too tall, blondish-brown hair, grey eyes and from what she could tell, he had a nice body.

When she didn't take his hand, he dropped it. He couldn't possibly know that it wasn't personal, and she could tell he was a little offended. She never shook people's hands – it left you too vulnerable to attacks: that one had been learned the hard way.

Once inside the building, Christopher led her through the corridors, neither of them spoke, but she sensed that it had nothing to do with her not shaking his hand. Obviously, he knew at least a little about her. Maybe he wanted to speak, but was not sure how. A lot of people found it hard to talk to an assassin and even before her life had changed so dramatically to what it was, she had never been one to find a need to fill silence with useless talk. Her training had only added to this.

Christopher stopped and indicated a door that had a brass nameplate reading 'Colonel Donald Lydecker'. He turned, grinning at her, and indicated the door. "There you go – have fun." His tone took on an amused spark as if he knew something she didn't.

Shauna knocked and entered without waiting for a response.

The man, in front of her looked to be somewhere above thirty, with blond hair and cold eyes. He glanced up in annoyance. She had a feeling that she was in for a blasting – not that she cared.

"Colonel Lydecker." She had better use his proper title, as there was no need to _purposely_ antagonise the man – more that she had to, anyway. "I'm Shauna Harris." One of the best things about being what she was was that she did not have a title for people to get wrong or intentionally leave out.

"Of course." His eyes narrowed. She had the feeling that they were not going to get along. Again, it was not as though she cared, authority had never been high on her list of appreciated people, with very good people. Shauna knew first hand what happened when power went to a person's head. If she did have to spend the next few years working for this man – technically, anyway – well she'd let him know she'd never be subservient.

"You're their best. I expected you to be— "

"Bigger, taller…meaner? Well, I'm none of the above and I am the best."

His eyes narrowed further, lips thinning. "On time," he finished.

Shauna spared a thought to wonder why she was being so openly antagonistic. She was not usually. Probably the flight – nasty, cramped things, were those aeroplanes. Perhaps it was the whole authority figure thing. Still, she had to commend him on not rising to the bait.

"You're here to act as a body guard to thirty women, who are and will be carrying genetically engineered children. Although at any one time there will not be more than ten women. The building they eat and sleep is under constant guard, but you will be required to be present when any of them go out on the grounds. You are expected on duty at block twelve, tomorrow at 0630. Christopher Mason will show you to your quarters."

Interview apparently over, he returned to whatever it was that he had been doing when she interrupted. However, she had not finished. "One more thing, _Colonel_, I may be under your direction, but I'm not under your command. You wanted the best and you paid for it, but I don't work for _you_. Do not order me around." With that she turned heel and walked out. Hollow victory. She had to do what he said anyway. Her orders might not come from him, but the one she had clearly stated she must 'do as she was told'. _Life's a bitch. _

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**Notes2:** I've taken a little bit of creative licence with the way things work at Manticore.

_Re-write_ – I'm still trying to adjust things around what was revealed in season 2. Bare with me, I'm not going to ignore s2, but this fic is based at the Gillette, Wyoming base, and the happenings there. I highly doubt anything major from the Seattle, Washington base will come into this fic. Despite the changes I'm trying to keep this true to what I originally wanted it to be.


	3. Part One: Chapter Two

**Rating** – PG-13  
**Disclaimer** – I don't own Dark Angel and its associated characters and themes. I created Shauna, Christopher and probably one or two others.  
**Notes** – Rewritten Chapter. Please R&R.

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Christopher was waiting for Shauna outside Lydecker's office. He took one look at her face and said, smirking, "You seem to be doing well with first impressions – interview with the Colonel go all right?"

She glared her best 'I'm a killer and you're my next victim' glare, but it only served to make him grin even more. Most people took the hint and stopped what they were doing. It bothered her that he could so clearly see through the bluff. Maybe he was just stupid. "Brilliant. Fantastic. Whatever."

"Don't worry, he kinda has that impression on most people." Christopher indicated she should follow him, and he led her out of the block of offices, to another one – a slab of grey concrete. She could see no other personnel about, and wondered how many people lived in here.

"Your charges number in two," he carried on without a break. "Theresa Fleming and Zara Smith. Theresa's five weeks pregnant, we're still waiting on confirmation on Zara. Next surrogate, Tia Aitken, arrives in ten days."

Shauna lifted an eyebrow, "You are well informed."

"I'm in charge of administration for the surrogate mother programme. I have to be well informed. Do you realize you're the only civilian to be living here on base? Even the doctors live in town. I live in town." Ah, so apart from a bunch of pregnant woman and soldiers she was the only one living here.

"Fascinating. Except I'm not really a civilian." Shauna wasn't really anything – that was the whole point. If you didn't belong anywhere you were supposedly neutral and capable of focusing more clearly on the task at hand, but that had never explained the number who went rogue to fight their own battles. Once on a training assignment Shauna had come across a bitter old woman – one of the lost, as they were called – and she had said to the young girl that sometimes you needed something to believe. The old woman's bitter laughter still haunted Shauna and the madness had simmered in her eyes.

"I read your credentials. Despite never having been on an assignment, or whatever it is that you call it, you're supposed to the best." He sounded sceptical.

Shauna shrugged, she had never liked talking about what she was, not least because it was supposed to be a secret. "I didn't give myself that title. And correction – first _official_ assignment." Now, it was her turn to smirk, but there was something cruel and cold about it, an edge that went deeper than amusement.

Christopher's eyebrows shot up as he realized her implications, but she just kept smiling. This time there was something in his eyes – fear maybe? He seemed to be trying to think of something to say in reply, but she could tell he was having trouble. Finally, he seemed to give up.

"Your file says you're from California." When in doubt, go to neutral ground – state the obvious.

"Mhm." And suddenly she was tired, she felt as if she had been fighting her way up hill. It was like all the energy just drained out of her. She had been gearing to get here and get everything done and now she was here, she just wanted to sleep. It could also have something to do with the fact she had not slept in over 24 hours. She regretted that she was not feeling more conversational though. Christopher seemed nice. _More than nice,_ she thought with a sideways glance. Her guide seemed to sense her tiredness and they walked quietly until he stopped and opened her door with a swipe card.

"Here you go. And here's your keycard. It gives you access to everywhere you need. Including the X4 training rooms, since I understand you like to work out. You can use it from 7:30pm until 10:30 pm. As the other times that it is unoccupied are the depths of the night and when you're working… what?"

"I prefer to work out in the mornings."

He shrugged. "X4 gets up before you. And they use it in the mornings. All your stuff's been brought in, so make yourself right at home."

As there appeared to be little either of them could do about it, she smiled her thanks and went in. Her new home had a main room, with a small kitchenette to one side. A door off the main room led to a small bedroom, with a door off that leading to a bathroom. Well, no bath, but a shower, basin and toilet. A mirror hung above the basin, small and barely functional.

She was glad to see that both the main room and the bedroom had windows. Shauna did not like inner rooms. They made her feel trapped and cut off. This way she would not wake in the middle of the night feeling claustrophobic. The world was much less likely to completely re-order itself without your knowledge if you had a window.

Once her meagre possessions had been unpacked she fell into bed and asleep.

-x-x-x-

The next day Shauna was startled awake at 5:45 am, by a loud wail. Groaning, she wondered if the world was coming to an end, but no, it was just the radio station her alarm clock had been set to. She had slept for over sixteen hours, waking only briefly the previous evening to eat and set the damned alarm clock. Never before had she slept this long and now she felt groggy and off-centre. It was wonder she had not woken sometime in the middle of the night, ready to start the as yet non-existent new day. But here she was at almost six in the goddamned morning.

Shauna stumbled out of her bed to be greeted by the cold air. Ugh, she hated winter. The shower was nice though, the hot stream of water bringing her a little closer to consciousness. As did the coffee she fixed herself once she had dressed – adding an extra layer or two. She would wear no uniform, but her clothes tended to be black or dark in colour, pants and a shirt. Simple and easy to move around in. A uniform in her own way.

At 6:20am, just as she was finishing her coffee, there was a knock at her door, and she opened it to find Christopher waiting on her stoop. He looking far too cheerful for the time of day, but she was getting the feeling that he was one of those people who were far too cheerful at any time of the day. Strange that he would choose a place like this to work. She had a feeling that Manticore did not look good on a résumé, provided you could put it on your résumé.

"Morning!" He grinned at her, and taking in her clothing. "You look like you are about to be dumped in the middle of a frozen wilderness."

"This is a frozen wilderness." Had he been outside recently?

"Just wait. It gets colder. Ready to go?"

_Definitely__a__morning_ _person_. Obediently, she followed him, trying to contemplate it being _colder_. Once she had spent a month in Siberia, and had not liked the weather there anymore than she did here. Although, she had to admit it had been colder. Just.

As she walked along beside Christopher, she wondered exactly what it was she was supposed to be doing, besides the obvious. No one had come out and told her precisely yet. Guarding pregnant women from attack certainly, and she gathered, on the grounds, but what would they be doing? Manticore did not seem the kind of place where you lounged around by a pool.

Well, she supposed, she would find out soon enough.

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**A/N: **_Please_ review.


	4. Part One: Chapter Three

**Rating** – PG-13  
**Disclaimer** – I don't own Dark Angel and it's associated characters and themes. I created Shauna, Christopher and probably one or two others.  
**Notes** – I just want to warn people that although this is a PG-13, it will probably go up to an R – due to suicide mentions – in later chapters, don't let this stop you reading, it will be more a precaution than anything. **PLEASE R&R.**

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Christopher watched Shauna as covertly as he could. She was fascinating. When he was told that there would be an assassin/bodyguard protecting the women he had been apprehensive, but had thought it a good idea. While he had not been around when X4 had been…created, he had heard about the security problems that had existed. So he was glad they had brought in more security. These children were worth a lot of money, and even the loss of one could be a huge waste.

He had not expected Shauna though. In fact, she was about the last thing he had expected. He couldn't have been more surprised if they had sent a four-year-old. Less, if you judged by the standards they kept here – four-year-olds seemed capable of things like defence. But this pretty little thing looked like she should be in a movie, not a secret military base.

Shauna surprised him. Sure, there was the hard, sarcastic edge to her, but if she was anywhere near as tired as she had looked, that was to be expected. Beyond that, she was bound to be confused. No one ever seemed very forthcoming with information in this place. The whole thing was bound to make her a little ratty. And beneath it all he had glimpsed a person. Assassin or not, there was no cold, unfeeling person here. For some reason that made him sad.

"So is someone going to tell me what it is I'm going to be doing all day?"

Oh, right. File. He handed her the information on Theresa Pearson and Zara Smith. It had a picture of each, name, date of birth, height, weight, background and brief medical history. "Theresa and Zara. Basically you're going to escort them around. To meals, the various doctors and scientists, daily exercise, etcetera. Then back to their rooms."

"That's all I do for the next three or so years? Jesus Christ! How boring. Babysitting. If I had wanted to earn my money that way, I would be sticking up flyers on the community notice board charging ten dollars an hour."

"You're being a little better paid for this than that." Although, he had to admit, when she put it like that…

"Yeah, and half of that goes to the higher ups."

"Still. Besides you got it easy. Start at 6:30am finish at 7pm. Stand round watching people all day."

"Twelve and half hours a day, seven days a week. Up before 6am every morning. On my feet all day. Being bored out of my scull. Fun. Do you know that the average assignment length is six days?"

Christopher rolled his eyes. Although, again, she had a point. "Anyway here we are. Technically, it's 6:32, but I think we'll forgive you for today." He indicated two doors, "Theresa. Zara. The doors to these rooms are locked at all times, both when they are inside and when they are outside. There are guards are here between 7pm and until 6am. Usually, I start at 8:30am and finish at 6pm, and we wouldn't see each other very often. However, today I get to follow you around and act as a sort of guide."

"Gee, thanks." Maybe the tiredness hadn't been the only thing that gave her such a sarcastic edge.

"Your key card opens these doors," he carried on ignoring her sarcasm and swiping open Theresa's door with his own card. "Good morning Theresa. This is Shauna, she'll be your bodyguard for the rest of your time here."

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A blond woman around Shauna's age sat on the bed in a room that made Shauna's look palatial. She wore what looked like regulation grey _nothings_, which dulled her skin tones making her look pale and lifeless. _Or maybe that's the surroundings, _Shauna thought. Theresa looked less than thrilled at the word 'bodyguard'. She did not seem to think that Shauna was much by the way of protection.

"Instead of Manticore guards, you'll have Shauna. When you leave this room in the morning she will be with you until you return at night. Do not under any circumstance leave her presence." Christopher continued on – apparently unaware of Theresa's reaction.

There was no reaction from Theresa. She merely stood up and exited the room. Once the other woman was outside in the corridor Shauna moved so she could watch Theresa and for trouble.

Zara had dusky skin and chocolate hair with eyes to match. Christopher repeated his speech. Zara was slightly more responsive with, "Great." A nice warm reception. Shauna supposed she shouldn't have expected much – they were here to do a job, the same as her. Only she wondered what had made them agree to this job. She had duty to blame, but they had nothing except…money? Deciding not to dwell on the whys, Shauna shrugged and turned her attention back to keeping a watchful eye.

As they moved to their first stop of the day – Manticore doctors – Shauna scanned the surroundings, wishing that she had been able to scout them out beforehand. It was good practise to know where you would be defending someone. She had seen the plans, of course, so she knew the general layout of the base. However, seeing it personally first would have been nice. Plans do not give you the details. And that was what Shauna needed to do her job properly.

It came to her attention that all three were watching her. Theresa and Zara with suspicion, which she shrugged off. Christopher with curiosity. When he caught her eye he grinned and winked. She ignored him. She was here to do a job. He would not distract her. Even if he was kind of cute.

Wait. Cute? Where did that come from? First impression of him had been that he was nice, possibly good-looking. However, first rule she had ever learned: _never become attached in any way to anyone in your assignment._ You could be polite, friendly even, hell sharing a bed never did any harm, but any real attachment resulted in heartache and distraction. She would not go there, could not go there.

Even while her thoughts were running through the emotional status of a bodyguard, her senses were scanning the surroundings – picking up on layout. Furniture (not that there was a lot). Windows (barred). Doors (usually locked). Exit routes (few and far between). Hiding places (what hiding places?). Security strengths (close to impossible to get in without the relevant key cards). Security weaknesses (close to impossible to get out without the relevant key cards). Her mind shifted through scenes, changing the surroundings to fit weather, seasons and time of day. She had to admit the place was a veritable fortress.

As wonderful as this was, it would make her job all the more boring. _They wanted the best for this?_ She doubted anyone would be able to get in, let alone get as far as these women.

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**A/N:** Reviews are like diamonds. Only not as expensive – just worth more.


	5. Part Two: Chapter Four

**Summary** – Shauna's settled in to her life at Manticore. She doesn't get a long with Lydecker any better and she and Christopher are friends (but for how much longer is in question).  
**Disclaimer** – If I had money to loose I might consider claiming ownership to Dark Angel. However, I don't. Have money, or claim ownership. Dark Angel and it's associated themes and characters belong to James Cameron and Charles Eglee and Fox.  
**Notes** – I struggled with the first few chapters of this. I had an easier time with the next few. I really hope they are an improvement. **_Read and Review._**

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_If you live on a river you should make friends with the crocodile. - Proverb_  
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July 1997 

Shauna had just finished her evening work out in the X4 training rooms. She found it a little ironic that although she used the same rooms as them daily, she had never actually seen any of the X4s. Manticore, or more specifically Lydecker, seemed to be trying to keep her away from any of the X-series.

That was not to say that she had not seen any of Manticore's pieces of work. While technically no one was supposed to have anything to do with the X2s or the other 'mistakes', they were not as closely guarded as actual 'successes' (X-series or otherwise), so if they had managed to find the opportunity, most Manticore employees had seen these creations. And to someone whose job it was to sneak, seeing these had been simple. Still, the after images of the creatures had stayed with her a long time. These _things_ were not human, nor did they make any pretence of it.

The X2s bothered Shauna. Many of them had been killed when it became apparent that they were useless and the few remaining had been locked up, presumably to be experimented on as the need called for. If these were earlier experiments gone wrong – what were the ones that succeeded like? Certainly more controlled, but undoubtedly as dangerous. Probably more so. That such a danger existed and she could not assess it fully was a major point of contention between Shauna and Lydecker – who, true to their first meeting, did not get a long.

Beyond the danger the X-series soldiers presented, it was the morality – or lack thereof – of the whole thing that really bothered Shauna, even if the thought of an assassin having a crisis of conscience was almost funny. Her parents had been Christian and, before their death when she was twelve, they had raised their daughter the same. The taste of religion had given her some sense of something, because the thought of what they were doing here left a bad taste in her mouth. This was life they were playing with. She might kill people for money and orders but she did not mess with the way they lived their life. Okay, maybe she did, but somehow this seemed far more perverted. Or maybe that was just herself trying to rationalise.

Shauna shook off her thoughts. You did not start analysing what was going on around you. Analysing usually ended messily, with a lot of guilt and a badly done job. There were documented cases to illustrate exactly what a conscience did to you. A warning of sorts. A cardinal rule of the profession.

She had found that she did not mind working out in the evenings. It gave her more time in the mornings and sometimes after a day of doing nothing more than following her charges around it was nice to let of a little steam. The women currently numbered in five and she was not going to get any more for another six months, once three of them had given birth.

Another thing was that, despite her efforts to the contrary, she was becoming closer to the women in her care. Especially Theresa, who after her initial coolness had worn off had decided that she and Shauna were friends. However, as always, one of the first things Shauna had been taught interrupted: _do not get attached._ It was harder to kill people you liked or even simply knew. And while she had no intention of killing these women, her friendship with them meant an added distraction, because they were not important. The children they were carrying were the important ones. After the babies were born, who knew what would happen to the mothers.

But Shauna was lonely, and she would be here several more years. Few people seemed interested in knowing her. Not that she was interested in knowing them, but still… the only person who she could truly call a friend was Christopher. And sometimes she caught him looking at her oddly.

Which was why she was surprised to see him waiting for her in the corridor. "Chris! What are you doing here?" Her tone was harsher than she intended and she instantly regretted it – although Christopher never seemed to take offence. In fact usually it seemed to amuse him more than anything, which in turn annoyed her.

"Good to see you too, honey," he replied dryly, his lips quirking in a now familiar smile. "I was coming to see if you wanted dinner."

"Dinner?"

"You know – an evening meal when food is traditionally eaten?"

"Right. And you're asking me because…?" Something fluttered behind her ribs and she fought the urge to catch her breath, knowing it was a silly reaction.

"I figured since you hardly ever got out of this place, you might want a change of scene. And since you only get your evenings and a couple of days a month free you might come into Gillette with me." _A date?_ He was asking her on a date?

"No." This could be a problem, the time was late enough, and if she did not get enough sleep, tomorrow she would be off-guard and tired. Knowing her intimate relationship with Murphy and his law, it would be tomorrow that she needed to be on alert. But some part of her, that she ruthlessly crushed, wanted to go with him.

Chris's smile faltered just a little. "No, what? No – you don't want dinner, or no – you don't want to come to dinner in Gillette? I refuse to believe that I have anything to do with your decision." She was not going to get off that easily. Shauna really hated giving excuses; why couldn't people just simply except what she said at face value?

"I don't want dinner in Gillette. I don't particularly want dinner, but since it's apparently unhealthy not to eat I just want to go back to my rooms, shower, eat and then read until I feel like going to sleep." She valued her free time and she did not like sharing it. Even with Chris, and his very attractive body.

"Okay, how about I cook dinner for you then?"

"You're not going to give up are you?" she asked. He shook his head, his smile a little wider now. Shauna sighed. "Only if you do the dishes as well."

"Deal," he agreed.

-x-x-x-

The next day Shauna rose and showered after having slept well the previous night. Dinner with Chris had been pleasant, but then spending time with him was usually not all that unpleasant. The meal was relaxing in a way that it couldn't have been with most people. He had left around 10pm when she had kicked him out.

Her day followed as routine. Until lunch – the only meal she shared with the women – when Christopher sought her out. As she moved over to him his expression was so solemn she wondered what was wrong, but then he flashed her a smile.

"Don't look so worried, Sha' –" his own personal nickname for her – "I'm just here to tell you that Colonel Lydecker wants to see you tonight after you finish." So he had noticed her concern, that in itself was something to worry about. She needed to be able to keep a blank face at all times, because if people could read your expression, you were at a distinct disadvantage – any glimpse at what you were thinking, then they could begin to counter whatever attack you had planned.

"Why? Did I leave a hair in the training rooms last night and one of his precious experiments tripped on it and break something?" She and Lydecker tried to avoid one another at all possible times. He because she did her best to be the pain in the proverbial butt, which she supposed to be fair enough. She because…well, because maybe – if she were very honest with herself – she wanted to avoid thinking about what she was doing. However, while she tried to be as honest with herself as she possibly could, this could be the one piece of honesty she didn't want to consider. It put too much at stake for the future. The value of being honest only in certain circumstances had always been highlighted.

"Well, I see you're sunny and bright at all times of the day." Chris rolled his eyes. "I don't know why. I'm fairly sure it's not to inform you of your 'employee of the month status'." Christopher was well aware of the tension between Lydecker and Shauna. "But he didn't appear to upset when he told me to pass on the message." Shauna was well aware that this meant little. Lydecker could call up whatever expression he liked for as long as he liked.

When she returned to the women, they looked at her expectantly. Although they knew better than to pry into the secrets of Manticore, they'd decided that the relationship between Shauna and Christopher was more than friendship, and certainly worth a little gossip.

When Shauna did not respond to their pointed looks, Theresa decided to prompt her, "Well?"

"Well, what?" Shauna replied mildly. Once again in full control of her own expressions, she let nothing show.

"What did Christopher want?"

She shrugged, disinterestedly. "Colonel Lydecker wants to see me."

This cut of any further questioning. Despite whatever tentative friendship that existed, none of them were willing to ask about the inner workings of the project. For them, they were here to do a job, and when they were done they would get paid. Thinking beyond that led to questions that would be difficult to answer. You simply went with the flow, and hoped – even prayed – for the best.

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_Please review._


	6. Part Two: Chapter Five

**Summary –** Shauna's in for a shock. Several.  
**Disclaimer – **Much to my extreme disgust, I don't own Dark Angel. Don't sue, last time I checked my account it had –15 cents so you won't get a lot from me. It was, however, my twisted brain that came up with Shauna and Christopher.  
**Notes –** What can I say? Except reviewing makes me happy. I live for your feedback. You want a happy Kazzy. Unhappy Kazzys are bad. _Please **read** and **review.**_

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Tapping on Lydecker's door that evening, she entered following the example of their first meeting. She was here at his request. He needed her, not the other way around.

Inside was one of the doctors. What was her name? Adriana something or other. She glared at Shauna, as did Lydecker. Shauna ignored Adriana and returned Lydecker's gaze. Part of his problem with her was that she refused to show him the deference he thought he should get from her. He was used to either being shown respect or showing it, whether the emotion was genuine or not, and she knew he found it difficult to deal with someone who operated outside those boundaries.

Part of her problem with him was that he refused to give her the freedom she thought she should have. The young woman felt ill-equipped and uninformed. Bureaucracy was not something she was used to, and to her mind all the red tape that seemed to bind everything kept getting tied up in knots, making her life difficult.

The fundamental differences in their lives made it so that without a major concession on each of their sides, they'd probably never see eye to eye. It was only unfortunate that co-operation on both their parts was required to do their respective jobs.

"You wanted to see me," the young woman said, still not recognising the doctor's presence. Her words were not an apology, to either of them. She was telling him she was not leaving until he told her what he wanted.

Lydecker nodded to the doctor who left without a further word, but the expression on her face made Shauna wonder what she had interrupted.

"I have reviewed your request to see the X4s," he told her once Adriana was gone. "And have decided there may be some validity to it. You can do so tomorrow night after you return the surrogates to their rooms. The X4s will be on the grounds outside the training rooms. An escape and evade exercise."

"With all due respect, sir—" _what respect?_— "why is this suddenly happening?" She kept her voice deliberately even. Antagonising Lydecker was all well and good, but right now there was more at stake than her personal enjoyment.

He regarded her coolly for several minutes and Shauna could feel him assessing what he was going to tell her, why he was going to tell her, and what her possible responses were going to be.

"A good soldier should always know their base," he said.

"I am _not_ a soldier!" she snapped and regretted it at the look of annoyance on his face. _Oh boy, didn't mean to do that._

"You fight other people's wars for them, doesn't that make you a soldier?" Well, when he put it like that.

"A mercenary."

Lydecker inclined his head, but didn't respond for a long moment. If he found it strange she appeared to consider herself a mercenary, he didn't react. "Tomorrow," he said at last, in reference to her granted request, "that is all."

"Thank you," she said, finding herself surprised that she meant it.

The Colonel's concession left her speechless, as she had not expected him to relent after his first emphatic refusal. She had carried on the argument out of principle. Finally gathering her wits, the bodyguard nodded and left the Colonel's office deep in thought – this certainly was an interesting change of events. Outside the doctor was waiting, and shooting a glare at Shauna, she went back in.

Stunned, Shauna, for the first time in ten years, forgot about doing her workout and wandered back to her room, only to stop warily outside the door when she realized someone was inside.

-x-x-x-

Shauna listened to the faint sounds from inside her room. Someone was definitely in there, moving around. As they did not appear to be aware of her presence, and unless it was one of the supposedly fantastic X-series, she could probably take them. She flung the door open to take advantage of surprise.

It was Chris. Cooking dinner. Again.

_What the hell? _"What are you doing here? Is your own stove broken or something?" she bit out, from surprise more than anything. She had to give him credit for being persistent.

"Nope. How was your 'meeting' with Lydecker?"

"I'm allowed to see the X4s in action. How did you get in?"

"My key card." Not for the first time she wondered exactly where he had access to that she did not. It was infuriating that she did not have access to places that she thought she should have access to and that he had that access to those places. And her rooms apparently. Of course, that meant she did not have _official_ access. So far she had played by the rules, but if the need ever arose, she could probably bypass most of the security systems.

"How come it lets you into my rooms?" _This better be good, I'm really not in the mood to find out I have a stalker._ Still, a stalker would be infinitely preferable to some of the other twisted reasons Manticore might have for giving access to persons unknown to her rooms.

"So I can steal your underwear and take pictures of you while you sleep." Shauna might have pinned the art of facial-expressions-for-all-occasions down to a fine art, but no one could pull a poker face like Christopher. Sometimes he looked and sounded so serious that it was hard to tell if he were trying to be humorous or not.

Not impressed by his attempt at humour, she gave him a dirty look. "I sleep too lightly for that. How come?"

"It was deemed necessary for security." Which raised the question: who else was allowed into her rooms without her permission? Not a good sign, maybe she should ask Lydecker about it. She was sure he would be only too _happy_ to answer any questions she had.

"I'm the bodyguard, you work in admin, where's the logic?" Her tone crackled with anger. If there was one thing she valued, it was privacy. Chris would never purposely invade her privacy, but there were others, higher up, that would think nothing of poking around if they though it would be beneficial.

Sensing that somewhere a boundary had been crossed Christopher backed down a little. "Don't ask me. I just do what I'm told. I've never used it before. I knew you'd be tense after seeing Lydecker, so I thought I'd cook you dinner. I'll go if you like." Shauna could see that he did not want to go, that he was only offering because he thought that was what she wanted.

"No, don't." Suddenly she did not want him to go, either, and asking him to leave really would not be fair. Even if he did arrive unannounced while she was not there. Earlier, she had been analysing her loneliness. Chasing Christopher away, would really not alleviate this. Even if she was not supposed to get close to anyone. _Screw good sense._

He smiled, and the relief showed through. "Good. So you're allowed to see Manticore's finest? What – did you completely brainwash Lydecker and convince him to give you control or something?"

She glared at him. "And to think people say that my mouth will get me in trouble one day. No, he said he had reviewed my request to see them and that it might have some validity. Which, come to think of it, gives him more power over me than I'd like him to have." A sudden thought struck her and she glanced around. Both she and Chris had been unguarded in what they said.

The young bodyguard regularly checked for bugs. She found them too, creating yet another point of contention between her and Lydecker. However, in a place as security tight as Manticore, everyone was watched. As a compromise she lifted any that found their way into her room, and Manticore put them right back in. She had scanned recently, so there should not be any, but it was always good to be cautious. Her words had been a little more anti-Manticore/Lydecker than they should have been.

Christopher sensed her concern, he knew her well enough to be able to read her slightly – which was better than most people ever managed. He knew what she could be worried about. "Don't worry, I checked. There is none. In this room at least." He told her, and she briefly wondered where he had learned to sweep for bugs. But he did work at Manticore, after all.

She nodded, relieved. It was one thing to say something directly to Lydecker, it was quite another to say behind his back that she resented the amount of power he had over her. Ah well, too late to worry now. The good Colonel knew her feelings about him. If he knew anything about her – which as he'd mostly likely seen her file, with all it's blips and whistles – he knew she would never let it interfere with what she was doing.

Dinner was pleasant. Slightly burned from when she had distracted Chris, but tasty nonetheless. They talked idly about this and that, not bringing up Manticore at all. Normalness pervaded the evening and Shauna found herself wondering if this was what life was like for regular people.

Before he left, Chris kissed her. At the door he turned to say goodnight, but instead his mouth settled on her own, and despite her surprise, she tilted her head up to meet him. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she allowed him to slip his tongue past her lips, where she could caress it with her own. When his hands lifted her shirt to brush against her skin she nearly pulled back, but he left them on her waist, massaging the skin slightly, and she let her hands drift up into his hair, playing with the fine strands.

Apparently she was not nearly as close to chasing him away as she thought. Any distance he had given her was to see if she would follow his lead. He hadn't gone far enough that he couldn't come back and drag her along with him.

Pulling back breathless, she saw a soft smile on the lips she'd just kissed. On any other guy, that small smile hovering there would have made her stick his head so far up his arse he'd never pull it out, it was just that close to being smug. Instead, the curve of his mouth made her want to grin back conspiratorially, or just kiss him again.

_So much for keeping a distance._ Even the chill of fear and warning at becoming attached to him couldn't completely erase the swell of warmth that started low and worked its way up through her. Shauna had enjoyed that kiss, and was perfectly capable of admitting she wanted to kiss him some more.

It really had been a surprising day.

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_Please review._


	7. Part Two: Chapter Six

**Summary –** The bed has been made and it isn't always the maker that has to lie in it.  
**Disclaimer – **I don't own Dark Angel. I'm merely borrowing it for a while. I'll return it fairly intact soon enough.  
**Notes –** Please take the time to review!

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The next evening Shauna watched the X4s. When she arrived the exercise had already begun. That did not matter so much. She was not interested in the activity, only the soldiers themselves. The exercise merely produced an ideal setting for her viewing. She was ignored by everyone present. Lydecker was not there. The night was warm, without a breeze.

The X4s were young, only somewhere between five- and seven-years-old. Shauna had known this, but, as in the classic case, she had not truly believed it until she had seen it. They were just little kids. Children. Moving in a way that should be impossible: graceful, yet deadly, as they avoided each other, in what was some macabre game. Shouldn't they be at home, eating dinner or watching television or being read a bedtime story or whatever else kids that age did?

At seven – what she could remember of it – Shauna had been a terror. She had given her parents and teachers absolute hell. That was excluding all the scrapes she got herself into (including the time she broke her arm trying to climb a cliff at the beach). She'd sat still for an occasional storybook, but nothing else would make her be quiet. Halfway through maths classes she would get out from behind her desk and wander over to another student and pull their hair; or she would leave her bed at night and sit there and play 'war' with G.I. Joe figurines and Lego. Nothing and no one could make her behave.

Maybe these were not children (even though the very appearance of them seemed to say they were). Maybe they really were soldiers. Maybe it really was their sole purpose of existence to be soldiers. It still seemed wrong somehow. Very wrong. They were being denied the knowledge of a world that even she had been allowed to experience. Something in her stomach dropped and she felt vaguely sick.

She kept her observations to herself, though. Not that anyone here would be interested in what she thought, beyond labelling her as a trouble source. It was one thing to think these thoughts. If she repeated them aloud, she was likely to end up with a bullet in her brain – something she wished to avoid at all costs.

It was possible that those who had sent her knew what she would feel at the sight of the children and had recommended that she be kept away from them. How they would know something she had not even said aloud, she did not know. They had a habit of knowing things like that about you. In the past, she had wondered if _they_ developed psychic powers so that they could keep track of what their assassins were thinking. But she'd had to scrap that theory long ago, or else they would have figured out about Venice long before she'd said anything.

Until now, it had only vaguely occurred to her that – soldiers or no – these would be children she was condemning to life at Manticore. Which, unlike herself, was something that they had never chosen. But as she watched them, it hit home that these little soldiers, which were like something out of a science-fiction novel were just children. Like she had been. But without parents or any kind of relief from their world. Without any say in what happened.

Just then one of the little soldiers ended up in front of her. He or she – it was hard to tell – looked up at her. She gasped, because beyond this child's shaved head and grey clothing he – or she – was beautiful. Small and delicate with olive skin and large azure-coloured eyes, which were framed with long thick lashes.

The child turned to move off, but not before Shauna caught its eyes and barely hid a second gasp, this time of horror. The child's eyes were blank. Mild curiosity had flitted briefly through them but beyond that – nothing. Like a little automaton. A robot. A genetically engineered soldier. The sick feeling grew.

Shauna knew from experience that it was possible to drain all reaction from your voice and your face and even your eyes. But this _soldier_ was only about five-years-old. Not even the best assassin training could work that well on a child who had been trained as Shauna had. Something had obviously been done to make these _soldiers _completely blank.

Her own training had included human relations. How people reacted to each other. Why they reacted to each other. What to avoid when on an assignment. Whatever these _soldiers_ had been taught, it must have been very different from what she had been taught.

When she could watch no longer, she turned away, but the _soldier's_ eyes were still firmly imprinted in her mind. The pit in her stomach grew even bigger. She was starting to feel hollow. Like those days in Venice when…Much like the way she had at her parent's funeral…

_Oh no,_ she thought, _please don't go there again, I don't need that particular distraction on top of everything else_. She walked towards the currently unoccupied X4 training rooms, feeling more and more sick as she went, and faintly surprised she had not thrown up.

The sight of those beautiful children – soldiers – moving in a way that seemed impossible. The empty eyes of one of those children, reflecting only mild curiosity to her presence.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

_**Please review.**_


	8. Part Two: Chapter Seven

**Summary –** The bed has been made and it isn't always the maker that has to lie in it.  
**Disclaimer – **I don't own Dark Angel. I'm merely borrowing it for a while. I'll return it fairly intact soon enough.  
**Notes –** _Please **read** and **review.**_

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Shauna's work out that evening was long and hard. She pushed herself to her absolute limit and further, trying to work out all the fear that churned inside of her. It didn't work very well. She still wanted to scream.

In those children, despite the differences that were there, she had seen herself. Yes, she had a childhood, yes she had friends, yes she appeared to have feelings, but the outcome was ultimately the same. She grew up to be a trained killer and so would these children.

Remnants of the Sunday mornings she had spent at church with her parents came back to her; in particular _Thou shall not kill_. One of the Ten Commandments, one of God's most sacred laws – one to be obeyed above all other laws, and she had broken it and would break it again, more than once. What was she worrying about this for? If she had been sure she believed in God, then things might be different, but as it was… it still made her angry and made her wish that… but wishes were useless, they got you nowhere except to a whole lot of pain, and right now that was one of the things she wanted to avoid.

Some point in the middle of the pounding she was giving herself, it occurred to Shauna that this lengthy work out was also in part to avoid Christopher. She wasn't sure if she could face him – she was not sure if she could face herself at this point. She did not know why though; great effort had been put into teaching her to distance herself from guilt, and she was not entirely sure this was guilt she was feeling because it felt a lot like anger and fear to her. Which, come to think of it, were also things she had been taught to distance herself from…

_Pull yourself together girl!_ What the hell was she doing? She was here to do a job and when this job was over she would leave and be done with it. _For godssake! Get over it_. And stop thinking about Chris! Was it his business what her head was going through? She was going to pull her gut in, walk back to her rooms and carry on as though everything was normal. _Because it is_.

Back in her rooms, Christopher was waiting for her. She had hoped that he would give up and go home on her, but apparently not. "I was wondering when you'd get back. I didn't feel like cooking so I got some Chinese –" _how the hell did he get that on base? _– "We'll have to heat it up but – what's wrong?"

He had noticed, _and I thought I hid better than that,_ she thought ruefully. "Nothing." Or, at least nothing she could tell him, not here, not now. He was about to reply, maybe to ask her again what was wrong, but she cut him off, "I'm going to have a shower, you can heat the food while I'm there."

Chris nodded but as she reached the door to her room he called out, "Shauna."

She turned, "I can't tell you."

"That's not what I meant." He moved over, until he was standing very close, too close for a casual conversation. "I missed you."

Shauna rolled her eyes. "You saw me last night."

"Too long ago." Chris was smiling now, or smirking really, and she had to tilt her head right back to look at him. If he didn't kiss her in a few seconds, she was either going to kiss him or kill him to try to stop her legs feeling so damn weak.

Pulling her tight against him he bent down just a little further and kissed her. It was only intended as a brush of his lips against hers, but she looped her arms around his neck, keeping his face close to her own, kissing him back – hard. She could feel his confusion at the emotion she put into that kiss, but she was confused now, too. Confused at what she had seen, she desperately – possibly for the first time since childhood – wanted to be comforted. Because of this she nearly took the kiss further. It would be so nice to be held and loved even for a short while.

Sadly, she knew she would regret it later and she always had been one to analyse the consequence of her actions before making them.

Besides it wasn't fair to Chris. What he wanted she knew was not a quick turn with a girl who couldn't get her head straight. Since she had arrived here he had been nothing but a good friend to her and when it had become apparent that he wanted more – that in fact she wanted more – she let him take it. Now though, she was realizing that this was too much, too soon.

So she broke the kiss and walked, alone, through her bedroom to the bathroom.

-x-x-x-

Later Christopher drove back to his apartment thinking over the evening. Most of the night Shauna had been distracted and off-balance. Something had upset her – something big. It would have to be big for it to so visibly upset her for her to react as she did. It had something to do with the X4s – he could guess that much. It was, as far as he knew, the only thing that had happened that was out of routine for her.

He had felt the fear that had prompted whatever it was behind that kiss they had shared. The kiss that had nearly turned into something more. He was glad she had stopped it because if she had taken it further he would have gone, and right now, that was the last thing they needed. It was too far too soon, as far as Shauna was concerned, anyway – he would perfectly happy to sleep with her. However, it would scare her off.

Chris knew that despite her training and her life Shauna was in some ways naïve about people in general. Like someone had deliberately kept her in the dark about some things. Possibly to control her, although, it could be only an unforseen side effect of her training. Whatever the reason, it allowed her to kill for money but when she finally realized what was going on here she had been shocked to the core.

There were times when Christopher hated himself for what he did, times – like when he visited his mother and sister – that he wondered how he could allow the things that happened around him to happen. Most of the time, he shrugged it off. He was here, and short of death, it was unlikely that they would let him leave. As clichéd as it might sound, he knew too much.

Besides, after what had happened, back then, it all seemed kind of pointless to be worrying about his soul, now. _My fault…_he shook the thoughts off. No, not his fault. At least according to the shrink and his mother.

Back at his apartment the cat met him. The place seemed unusually lonely, as though there was meant to be someone else there as well.

-x-x-x-

_It will all be better in the morning_. How many times had her mother said that to her when she was a child? How many times had she believed it? But here, now, in the bright morning light – after sleeping for long, emotionally exhausted hours – things, if possible, looked worse. Those were young children and they had looked so perfect and moved so easily. Yet, when you looked them in the eyes they were empty and cold as though someone had expertly re-animated a statue. As though when they were designed some one had left the soul out of the final product.

Getting dressed and ready her movements were mechanical and automated. Only when she was in sight of the doors that led to the women's rooms that she snapped out of it. How many times had she been told not to let her personal feelings interfere with her job? Thousands. _Do not think of the ultimate consequences of your actions - that is not your concern. You're there to do a job, that's all that matters. Anything you do must accomplish what you set out to do, any other effect your actions have are unimportant_. Words a trainer had long ago spoken to her that had been re-iterated numerous times over the years.

She opened Theresa's door and nodded in greeting. Then followed suit with the other women. If she were a little more irritable than usual, no one said anything. She was, after all, doing the job she was supposed to be doing.

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_Please__review_.


	9. Part Two: Chapter Eight

**Summary –** The bed has been made and it isn't always the maker that has to lie in it.  
**Disclaimer – **I don't own Dark Angel. I'm merely borrowing it for a while; I'll return it fairly intact soon enough.  
**Notes –** _Please **read** and **review.**_

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Three days later, Shauna was walking Theresa and Mali back to their rooms from one of their many doctors' visits to check on the health of the babies – _soldiers_. Shauna now kept reminding herself of that. Those had not been children she had seen, but _soldiers_. So these were not babies, waiting to be born, but _soldiers_.

They had almost reached the outer door into the corridor, which would ultimately lead to their rooms, when the shots rang out.

They were not the distant target practice shots, or the often heard – but never seen – hunting exercises, but close and loud. When one shot was followed by a spray of dirt only a few meters from where they were standing, Shauna was fairly sure they were being shot at. An attack? In less than a second she was already planning escape.

There was no cover in the immediate vicinity. Nowhere she could protect both of them. She had to get them inside and to their rooms.

"Run!" she yelled at both of them. Theresa, nearly eight months pregnant, glared for a second before taking off, Mali at three months was having an easier time. Shauna kept behind them, to provide what cover she could and trying to return fire, even though she could not actually see anyone.

At the door she swiped them in, her training preventing her from fumbling with her card. "Get to your rooms," she gasped, slamming the door behind them. Whatever was happening, without a key-card or some heavy duty explosives the secure rooms would be impossible to gain entrance to.

Once both were safely inside, Shauna remained outside the rooms of all five women, her gun drawn and ready. She did not have to wait long.

"Put it down, sweetheart."

Two men dressed in black had arrived. Shauna briefly wondered what the point was in wearing black during the day. Both men looked at her uncertainly. Because she was small and petite, they seemed unsure what to do about her and the grips on their guns relaxed slightly. That was their mistake.

Shauna made all her observations in a heartbeat, and then replied, "Now why would I want to do that?" Her words were deceptive, as she had not relaxed at all. By the time she had finished speaking, one was lying dead, a bullet in his brain, and the second shot through the shoulder, his gun kicked out his reach – they might need him alive after all.

Seconds later, the Manticore soldiers arrived and were lucky not to receive a few bullets themselves, as the young bodyguard rode out the adrenaline rush. However, Shauna was well trained and one of the first rules was that you kept the body count as low as possible. Too many bodies make it look like a messy job and every corpse was one that could be traced back to you. The less evidence the better.

Only then did she notice the sirens wailing and, in the distance, shouting and more gunfire. Her focus had so been on her job that she had tuned everything else out. If it wasn't an immediate threat then it wasn't her business.

The soldiers converged on the two men shouting orders to one another. Shauna checked on her charges, keeping her gun drawn as even though it was unlikely anyone could get to them, she wasn't about to take chances. Earlier, she would have laid money on the fact that it would be nearly impossible to get as far as they had. Shauna could have done it, as could many of the assassins that the Guild turned out, which lead to some interesting questions.

The Guild wouldn't have thought twice about being hired by two opposing groups against one another. However, the two she had brought down in the corridor were not trained at the Guild, nor were they apparently aware she was. Not shooting her on sight was just plain sloppy.

The surrogate mothers were shaken and confused by the shots and sirens and, she suspected, by the presence of her gun. Normally she kept it well hidden, so that they were probably only vaguely aware that she wore one. She offered no explanations; they did not need to know what was going on. If Lydecker wanted them to know, he would them tell them. Until then, it was not their business.

When she opened Mali's door though, she found the other woman curled around her stomach crying in pain.

_Shit. Oh shit,_ was all she could think. She yelled to the nearest hovering soldier to get her a stretcher, he nodded and ran off, his eyes wide. He was fairly young she noticed in some small part of her mind that wasn't focused on Mali.

Shauna sat beside the other woman, her gun pointed at the door. Although the corridors were now filled with milling soldiers she kept herself alert, all her senses watching for danger. Outside the room the man she had shot had regained enough of his sense to start screaming in pain; she found it mildly distracting.

A stretcher arrived with a couple of the women's doctors. Mali was quickly loaded on to it and wheeled away. Shauna paused briefly, wondering if she should stay or follow. She ended up following, there were enough soldiers here for the time being and the doors to the rooms were locked, the others would be all right.

While the doctors fussed over Mali in the surgery room, saying things to one another, Shauna stood in the corner, facing the door, gun still out. The doctors do their job, and she did hers. She didn't pretend to know anything about what they were doing, and they knew nothing about hers. So when one of the doctors approached nervously and asked her to put the gun away, she just looked at him coldly and said, "If someone walks through that door intent on getting to her and they have a gun and I don't have mine, how the hell am I supposed to stop that person?" They left her alone after that.

That was, in fact, how Lydecker nearly got himself shot when he walked in through the door, with his own weapon drawn. She wondered what would have happened had she shot him, and briefly entertained that fun thought. A world without Lydecker. It had possibilities. However, on the other end of things she could relax now, if there were still trouble, Lydecker would not be here. The man was nothing if not good at what he did – and that was running this place. Though she remained watchful she relaxed her stance slightly. Watching a couple of the doctors do so as she did. It was almost enough to make her smile.

"How is she?" Lydecker demanded.

"She's been stabilised." One of the doctors answered.

"The child?" There was something in his tone that made Shauna look at him closely for a second. Could that be…concern? Not likely. Maybe concern that he might lose part of his precious project? He wouldn't be concerned about the actual welfare of mother or the child would he? _No, definitely not._

"The child will survive," came the reply.

Lydecker nodded and turned to Shauna. "Block twelve has been locked down and guarded. The situation has been neutralized. You are to remain here." She wanted to argue, but as it was technically his call to make there was little she could say about it. _Humph, technically. Yeah, you keep telling yourself that._

"The man you wounded is the only one we managed to take alive. The rest were either killed or escaped." Shauna was surprised he would voluntarily give up that information. "Well done." If she had been surprised before, she was shocked now. Praise. That was a new one. Besides, she was just doing her job. _Still, I wonder what they wanted – the women?_

As it did not appear likely that anyone was going to answer her question in the near future, Shauna remained where she was. Keeping guard.

-x-x-x-

"Well, well, well. Aren't you just the hero of the day?" Christopher was stunned to find himself pinned to the wall and a gun to his head.

Shauna blinked and relaxed. She had been dozing on the couch when Chris and had startled her into reacting in attack-mode.

"Sorry," she mumbled, starting to pull away but he held her still so he could kiss her.

"No, I shouldn't have startled you like that," he replied as he let her move into the kitchenette to make them both coffee. "You are quite the hero, though. The guy you _didn't_ kill – " she glanced at him but whatever had momentarily been in his tone was gone – "was part of a group that wants to, and I quote, 'free the prisoners of Manticore'. They were trying to rescue the women and children – what?" Shauna had snorted at the word children, but she shook her head and indicated that he should keep going. "Anyway, they managed to get almost all of the attackers – missed a couple apparently – but they were all killed.

"Lydecker, therefore, was quite pleased that you managed to get one of them alive. I don't think I've ever heard him say anything quite so complimentary about you. So, as I said, everyone is most impressed with you. Something similar happened with the X4 surrogates and they lost a couple, so you losing none helped your image."

"Oh, so I'm popular now am I? My dearest wish." Shauna shook her head. "I was just doing my job, Chris."

"And now you look like hell. What have you been doing all night?"

"Watching Mali. She's going to be okay." Christopher nodded, but he would know that.

Mali had woken once, but there had been a doctor nearby and she was being kept fairly well sedated. They were keeping an eye on her; when it was deemed safe she would be moved back with the other women.

Shauna, after nearly thirty-six hours, had been pulled off duty – probably a good idea, as she was so tired she had begun to see things. Back in her rooms she had collapsed on the couch, fully intending to move to her bed, but had never made it. Then Christopher arrived. So she had almost no idea what was going on, and as per usual no one had seen fit to inform her.

"When do you go back on duty tomorrow?"

"6:30am tomorrow and I think I'm going to be trailed by some X1 guards as well. Fun. More science-projects."

He smiled at her sarcasm. While he knew the X4s had upset her she seemed to have recovered from her shock. And she was definitely curious about the other X-series. "I'll go and leave you in peace to sleep then. Besides, I do have work you know."

Standing on tiptoe she leaned up to kiss him on the lips, savouring his taste, then pulling back before either of them could get to involved. Kissing him was a heady feeling, and by the expression on his face, she could tell he felt the same about her.

-x-x-x-

"Where's Mali?" Theresa was anxious. She was, by unspoken agreement, the spokesperson for the surrogate mothers. She was here first, and so felt that within the group she had to look out for the others. It was her duty to make sure they were okay. If that meant pressing Shauna – who did not like to be pressed at anytime and looked even worse today – so be it.

There were, though, some places that even Theresa would not go. Asking about Manticore for instance. What they were actually contributing to. What they were giving up for money. A lot of money. There were some things that she was better off not knowing. However the welfare of the others was fair game.

Which brought her back to the fact that Shauna had still not answered her question. "Shauna?" she prompted.

"Hmm, oh, she's fine." Shauna looked at Theresa briefly, focusing slightly, then went back to watching. Today she seemed distracted, but watchful, like she was watching by rote, her mind somewhere else. Theresa wondered if she dared ask what happened the day before yesterday. She decided not to, there were two very serious looking guards following them. They were not the usual guards the women had and there was something…odd about them.

Theresa decided nonetheless she needed more information on Mali. "Fine? What do you mean by fine?"

"Stop worrying about her. She'll be back in a day or two. They just need to check a few things out."

"What happened? Why did we have to spend nearly two days in those rooms? Where were you? And why are those two following us?" Zara's tone was impatient. She had never been good at waiting, and Theresa was surprised that she had agreed to something that required as much waiting as this did. Zara also seemed to have little sense.

Asking about Manticore was dangerous. Proof in that were the two guards following them, who had murmured slightly at Zara's questions. They did not look happy, and would certainly pass anything suspicious back to the people in charge. Theresa shied away from meeting their gaze, every time they looked at her too closely it made her shiver. Her grandmother had always claimed that there was a sixth-sense in the family, and Theresa had to admit there were several situations where she had felt warned. This was one of those times.

When she glanced back at them, Shauna's expression became even more guarded. The presence of the two Manticore soldiers obviously did not make her happy. Then she sighed, "There was a security problem. It was dealt with. However, things are going to be a little tighter from now on."

Theresa liked the younger woman, despite Shauna's obvious coldness. And her job description. She had a sharp tongue, but seemed to be intelligent. She was here to keep them alive. While you had to assume that she was paid to do so, it was a nice thought. That she was also an assassin did bother Theresa. However, she was not here to kill anyone – unless she was protecting the mothers – made it a little better. Besides, Theresa was having a baby that would be a genetically engineered soldier and would grow up to kill people anyway, just so she could get some money. Theresa was not in the position to throw stones.

She longed for her freedom. To get outside the walls of Manticore. To go shopping, even just for groceries. To listen to music. To see someone who was not a scientist or a doctor or a soldier. In fact, Theresa never wanted to see a doctor again if she could avoid it. She wanted to go somewhere where she did not have to think about Manticore ever again.

_Soon,_ she thought, _very soon. You only have to hang on for another month or two._

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

**_Please_****_review_.**


	10. Part Two: Chapter Nine

**Summary –** The bed has been made and it isn't always the maker that has to lie in it.  
**Disclaimer – **I don't own Dark Angel. I'm merely borrowing it for a while; I'll return it fairly intact soon enough.  
**Notes –** _Please **read** and **review.**_

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Christopher watched in amusement as Shauna collapsed on his couch stretched out her body, threw back her head and closed her eyes. Although, he had to admit the sight was slightly arousing. "Ahh," she said, cracking an eyelid and smiling at him, "better."

How long had it been since he had seen her smile? A week? Two? She did not smile often, but had been doing so even less lately. Ever since she had seen the X4s and the attack a few days later. She was still the same irritable, sarcastic person she had been before, but now there was something else hovering beneath the surface. Sorrow? Weariness?

He remembered when he had heard about the attack, that she had killed a man. After her reaction to the X4s, he had expected something more than a vague acknowledgement that she killed someone and injured another, sentencing him to torture. She did not react though, not really. It hadn't occurred to her – she was doing her job. If he wanted a relationship with her then he had to deal with it.

And he did want a relationship with her. They had talked about their relationship, briefly, a couple of times. He was surprised that she was happy but tentative with the direction it was going. It surprised him that she had never given any indication that she wasn't happy with it. She only displayed a nervousness that indicated a very real possibility that this was her first serious relationship of a romantic nature. The thought struck him that she probably didn't have all that many serious relationships of any kind. Probably wasn't encouraged in her line of work.

She was also close to seven years younger than him, which gave him pause occasionally. Theoretically, he knew that seven years wasn't that greater gap, and there were plenty of other relationships with a larger one, but when he thought about it, it was big. Shauna never acted immature – she was hardly a child, for sure. And had he been asked, before knowing her age, he would have said she was older than she actually was. It was just sobering when he thought about the difference.

One thing he found difficult was that she made few attempts at physical and emotional contact. Although she never resisted him, and even responded, she almost never initiated anything between them.

A thought occurred to him: wasn't it traditionally the girl that worried about these things? Shauna was not your average girl though.

"Christopher? Chris-to-pher?" He blinked, realizing that she was calling him. He grinned and sat next to her, gently putting his arm around her and, when she did not resist, pulling her closer, and was still surprised when she returned the embrace. "You were staring into space so long I thought you'd got lost." Her tone was light and – he was nearly bowled over to note – almost playful. He didn't think she got playful.

"I was thinking. You seem happy. Dare I ask if I have anything to do with your mood?"

"You do. And the lack of hell."

He smiled. "I'm glad that you are Sha'. You've been working so hard lately and they give you so little time off."

She shrugged closing her eyes again and resting her head – in another almost unheard of act on her part – on his shoulder. "I'm an assassin, I get so little time off coz assassins don't have unions. What about you? Ever since that group decided to breach Manticore, you've been working so hard. I'm not actually doing anymore than usual. Who were they, by the way?"

Lydecker had already told him what he could and could not tell Shauna about the group that had attacked Manticore. Chris was amazed that the man seemed to know _exactly_ what was going on with the walls of Manticore, including the relationship between Shauna and Chris – which was not general knowledge.

He took his time answering her question, he knew that while she expected him to tell her almost everything, she would accept that there were some things that he could not ell her. It would piss her off, but she would accept it.

"It's a group that's anti-Manticore, it consists mainly of ex-Manticore employees that have not been 'taken care of', the odd surrogate who has not kept her word about being silent and has slipped beneath the radar, their families, and a few others they've managed to convince to join their cause. They want Manticore stopped and the 'captives' freed. For some unknown reason, they're unwilling to make the public aware of Manticore. In short, they have a grudge. This is personal, and they don't want anyone else involved in their vendetta.

"I think you stumped them, though. They weren't expecting you. Manticore soldiers maybe. Possibly some of the X-series. Not you. That's why it was so easily stopped. Things haven't happened that way before. Manticore's still missing an X4 and its mother from the last raid."

She had tilted her head up to look at him. "Really? But what would my presence do? I only came across two of them."

"Yeah, but they created enough distractions elsewhere on base that those two should have been able to do something. You stopped that."

She closed her eyes again making the shadows under her eyes even more prominent. She looked so worn, even with the day away from Manticore. She was allowed two days every month to herself, it was in some contract signed higher up. Right now it looked as though he should have let her sleep all day, like she had originally planned. He had dragged her out of Manticore, thinking it might have been good for her to escape for a while. Shauna, in her usual fashion, had protested and scowled as he all but carried her out. But he had got her out and they had had a good time today, just relaxing around the small town of Gillette.

Suddenly he had a thought, "Sha'?" he began tentatively.

"Hmm?" came the sleepy response and he almost lost his nerve.

"What would you say if I asked you to stay the night?"

Her whole body tensed, though she didn't open her eyes. "I have work tomorrow morning."

"I know." He found himself holding his breath and he released it slowly.

She relaxed against him again, although her eyes stayed closed. "All right, but let's stay here for a while."

"All right."

-x-x-x-

As Shauna woke the next day, she became aware that she was not alone or in her room at Manticore. The surroundings were strange and someone was wrapped around her. She was about to lash out when she remembered where she was and whom she was with.

Christopher. She had spent the night with Christopher. And what a night – he was so…_down girl!_ She thought with some amusement, a little panic, and a lot of annoyance. She was feeling so relaxed and so good. Now she understood why she had been told that sex could be a very effective tool. From her very first encounter, she had been able to see it as a powerful weapon, but she had never completely known why she had been taught that it was it was also a soporific.

But last night…

Slowly the panic was beginning to take over her other emotions. It would have been so easy for Chris to— she snapped that thought off before she could go any further.

Last night she had wanted this, and she wasn't one to regret decisions that she made. Also she trusted her own character judgment. An ability to tell friend from foe was something she had long ago learned to refine almost to infallibility.

Chris was not the type of guy who slept with woman to play a sick power game, months of friendship had taught her this. Besides, you couldn't change what had already happened. She was just going to have deal with it. If it had been a mistake, then…but she didn't want it to be a mistake.

…And her head was so all over the place this morning. Quickly, she did a few breathing exercises, managing to get some order in her brain, just a little more clarity. However, it was at this point that Chris shifted slightly, stirring into wakefulness, his skin moving against hers and she had to grit her teeth and concentrate on breathing to keep her body and mind from going completely haywire. _God, but that feels so good._

"Do you want me to move?" His words surprised her. Obviously, he had felt the tension in her body, despite the fact that she was still pretending to sleep, and responded to it. That in itself presented a new problem. If he knew her that well…

Forcing herself to relax again so as to not letting him know she was panicking, as it wouldn't help her if he was an enemy, and if he was not, then she didn't want him to know anyway. _Never reveal all that you know, not even to your closest allies._ Why, in God's name, was she reciting old lessons? _You_ _wanted_ _this_. _You_ _know_ _Chris_ _well_ _enough_ _to__know_ _that_ _this_ probably _isn't_ _a__trap_. Get over it.

"No. Don't." She didn't want him to move, and right now that was what she was going concentrate on. He kissed the back of her neck, and his hand slid upwards to her breast. Shauna shifted slightly, pressing her body against his and then started to turn to face him.

However, as she did so she caught sight of the glowing alarm clock, which told her that she needed to get up to face the world.

"As much as I want to continue here, right now isn't the time," she said with a sigh, trying to ignore his grunt of protest, wanting nothing more than to stay warm and cocooned with him.

Rolling out of bed, she winced at her protesting muscles and body, and grabbed the robe hanging over a chair. It smelled like Chris, clean with a hint of something spicy. In fact the smell alone was almost good enough to throw training and work to the wind and jump back into bed with him.

Closing her eyes briefly, her back to Chris, she let her mind wander, affording him more trust than he would probably ever realize. Despite a few aches here and there, she felt good. The sensation of having his robe wrapped around her only heightened that. Maybe the terry cloth wasn't as good as him, but it was very…comforting.

_So gooey…_but the annoyance was becoming harder to hang on to, and the panic was disappearing even faster. Even though they had done little sleeping last night, she felt so much more rested than she had in so long. What she really felt was sated. _God could strike me down now and I'd be smiling as I went!_

Shauna sighed, bringing her thoughts back in line, once again. This time she managed to keep them that way. She headed for the shower leaving behind the still sleepy Christopher.

-x-x-x-

Lying on his back, Chris watched lazily as Shauna left for the shower. Even the robe couldn't quite hide her form. It was ridiculously short on him, but on her it was a little long. Still, there was a nice view of her legs. And now he knew what they extended up to…_Oh, yeah, nice…_

He knew he should get up, to get ready for the day, but he was just enjoying the sensation of being so relaxed. Shauna had agreed to spend the night with him, and she had not been nearly as skittish as he might have expected. As good as she was at keeping people away, she had not panicked, or gotten upset.

He briefly regretted that she had to be back there a good two hours before he did. Maybe she would let him use her room to get a little more sleep before he started. Rolling out of bed as he heard the shower turn off, he groaned. Time to get up.

-x-x-x-

Relieving the guards from their duty, Shauna was slightly exasperated to see the two, now familiar X1s take up their position silently a few feet away. Yet another thing she had to talk to Lydecker about. They were really not necessary. She wasn't sure she could talk him around getting rid of them, but she would try. They made her feel so…watched. A feeling she definitely did not like.

As she unlocked Theresa's door, she felt a familiar tension creep into her shoulders. Which was all for the best really. She needed to be alert and ready, not relaxed and distracted. In the future, she and Chris would have to be careful about the time they spent together. She couldn't let him distract her. That said, she had no intention of putting an end to their relationship – she was enjoying it too much.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

**A/N: **Sigh, end of part two. Part three starts next chapter. Give me some feedback please. Pretty please.


	11. Part Three: Chapter Ten

**Rating –** PG-13 (suicide mentions, swearing)  
**Summary –** Walls are beginning to crumble.  
**Disclaimer – **I don't own Dark Angel. I'm merely borrowing it for a while; I'll return it fairly intact soon enough.

**Notes: _Important: _**Themes get a bit heavy from here on in. I think it probably presses the boundaries of the PG-13 rating. If you think I need to up the rating let me know.

**THIS CHAPTER HAS _SUICIDE_ MENTIONS.** It is only fair that you are warned. It is not in any graphic detail, or any real detail, but it is there.

_Take note of the above warning._

_Please **read** and **review.**_

This is the first new chapter in quite a while. Two years, I think.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-  
_The woods are lovely, dark and deep  
But I have promises to keep  
And miles to go before I sleep. – Robert Frost_  
-x-x-x-x-x-x-

October 1999 

"She tried to kill herself!" Shauna was shaking with fury, or maybe hypoglycaemia. She put her hands on Lydecker's desk and leaned forward until their noses were around six inches apart and glared at him. The solid wood beneath her palms helped make her feel slightly steadier, so she could be reasonably sure Lydecker wouldn't notice her trembling.

"You should have noticed she was unstable and reported it." Lydecker remained calm and apparently unperturbed by her temper, which was no mean feat. Better people than him had been known to tremble when faced with Shauna in all her fury. Of course, as Lydecker had about as much emotion as a block of wood, she supposed that someone else's rage meant very little to him.

"So you're saying this is my fault?" she spluttered, and for a second she was so angry that her vision fogged. Actually, it had been doing that a lot lately, whether she was angry or not. She put a hand to the side of her head to keep from fainting. _Fainting? I've definitely got to calm down. Since when do I faint?_

It was no good. Shauna had been having trouble for a while now. Dizzy spells, exhaustion, headaches, nausea, loss of appetite. Oh yeah, her life was a barrel of fun. Most of the time all she wanted was coffee and something to stop her head pounding. Christopher wanted her to see a doctor, but she had flat out refused. She did not need someone poking at her unnecessarily.

The world wobbled as she shook herself, and leaned back. Loss of concentration had also been a problem.

Shauna carried on, despite her lack of focus. "Melissa sees at least one doctor a day, plus any number of specialists and psychologists. She's under constant surveillance – where was whoever that was supposed to be watching her? It's not me, not during the night."

Lydecker's expression darkened – she'd hit something with that last comment and she felt a small flare of triumph through her rage and light-headedness. Obviously, someone had been less than vigilant. Well, whoever it was she'd be damned if she played scapegoat just because of her origins.

Earlier that day, Shauna had opened Melissa's door to collect her for her first doctor's appointment, only to find a semi-conscious woman, cause of illness fairly obvious. It was an awful sight, even to someone who knew death. There was nothing worse than finding someone who had tried to take their own life. Such an experience was painful to anyone involved, particularly when you knew that there was always a better way. Even now bile rose in Shauna's throat and she had to swallow.

At any rate, a now very angry Melissa was strapped to a bed. She and the baby would be fine. Which was a relief. Two months ago one of the surrogates had miscarried. Shauna had heard that it was self-induced. The experience had been pretty awful and not something she wanted to go through again.

Lately, there had been a lot of ill feeling and anger amongst the surrogates. Aimed at Manticore and themselves. The women resisted. The ones before had just done what was required of them, waiting until they could leave; these ones deliberately did as they were told not to.

About four months ago two women started a hunger strike. They were promptly restrained – standard procedure for the problematic – and drip-fed. Both were gone by this time, and Shauna had reason to suspect that once the babies had been born they had not simply left, but Manticore locked them away. Disobedience was not tolerated. Exposure was forbidden.

This was all fairly recent. The troubles had only started this year. Previously, things had lain dormant. But now…Melissa's attempted suicide was just the most current problem. There had been another attempted kidnapping. Shauna had not been so quick on her trigger this time. While the would-be kidnappers had not come close to the women, Shauna had not managed to get any of them. She had sighted one, but then thought it was Theresa. The incident had jolted her so badly she had not been able to shoot.

Afterwards, she cursed herself. Even if it was Theresa, she still should have been able to pull the trigger. That's what she was paid to do. That's what she was _trained_ to do.

Realising she'd lost her grip on reality again, Shauna pulled herself back to the present. "I'm only here to act as a bodyguard. I'm not a head-shrinker. I was led to believe all the surrogates were healthy. I assumed that meant mentally as well." _Assumptions are the mother of all fuck-ups_. The words of a friend ran through her mind.

"They are. You are around them constantly, a behaviour change that could lead to something such as suicide should have come to your attention." An edge to Lydecker's words and a set to his jaw indicated his growing anger. _It's always the ones closest to them who are last to know_. She bit back the comment. It would do her more harm than good.

Suddenly Shauna was tired of shifting blame. It had happened: who cared now? The baby was all right; so was Melissa – at least physically. She would spend the next few months strapped to a bed, only allowed up for the health of the child. Then she would be released or, more likely, subdued. And in little over a year Shauna herself could leave, _and never think about this goddamned place and its goddamned child-soldiers ever again._

"Whatever." She said aloud, having more and more trouble focusing. The world had acquired a grey-tint (or was that just the décor?) and seemed to be hazing over. "I take it Melissa is going to be one I have to re-adjust my schedule for?"

"She is not to have any contact with the other surrogates. She will have constant supervision—" despite her current trouble in concentrating, Shauna struggled to suppress a quirk of her lips. The surrogates were supposed to be under constant supervision as it was— "but she will need to be escorted to her doctors and other appointments. As such, I am going to assign the X1 guards to you again."

Shauna was really not feeling well, she knew she should not be happy with whatever Lydecker had just said, but she really wasn't sure what he was saying. Somewhere over the last sentence or two, listening had become a skill she'd lost. Damn, but her head hurt, and nausea was tossing around in her stomach.

She felt sick and weak. All she knew was that she had to get out of there before she collapsed or threw up or something. "All right," the young woman managed, hoping it was the required response. Then, oblivious to the odd look Lydecker shot her way and not caring for the moment how she might seem, she all but fled his office.

Out in the hall, the little amount of energy she had used to escape Lydecker deserted her. It took everything she had to walk down the hall at a crawling pace with one hand attached to the wall to keep her from falling. Her vision was almost completely greyed out now.

Shauna's steps faltered and stopped completely. She brought one hand up to her forehead, but it was too late. As everything went dark and her legs disappeared beneath her, Shauna heard shouts of alarm.

-x-x-x-

Lydecker sighed, to all appearances Shauna had just stumbled out of his office. There was something wrong with the girl; she was extremely pale, and very gaunt. The young bodyguard had always been small and petite, but now she resembled a skeleton with black hair.

Why hadn't she protested the X1 guards? She was usually very vocal about being assigned them. Apparently she took them as an insult to her abilities. Just like about everything else he had done.

Although he had to admit she was good – very good – she could be as much trouble as she was worth. If he had to make the decision again he would not bring her in. Yes, she had, on various occasions saved the lives of the surrogates and the babies, in turn saving Manticore a lot of taxpayer money, but the trouble she created gave him some monster headaches.

On the other hand, she was not just good at what she did. She was also an example of what the X-series should be. Ignoring the X2s, the current X-series were top of the range. When it came down to strength, speed, ability, teamwork and even intelligence, they beat Shauna easily. However, Shauna had one major benefit: she could think for herself. Trained to work on her own she was the best at what she did.

This is what he had in mind for the X5s. They would be able to think and operate as one, but they would be able to use their initiative in a way that the other X-series could not. X5 would be everything Shauna was and more, and they would be unstoppable.

So Shauna was only partly there for defence – she was also there for observation. That was something that would make her very angry if she knew, as she hated to be watched or feel like her privacy had been breached in some way. To know she was being observed like this would infuriate her.

However, X5 was Lydecker's project. It was the only one he had been involved in since the beginning. And X5 would be a success, where others had failed. Nothing and no one would stop him from achieving his goal of the ultimate X-series. He had been present at every birth so far, and would be for every following one. He would personally make sure everything went perfectly. Nothing would go wrong with _his_ X-series.

So, it was a pity he needed Shauna this much, because if she put her mind to it, she could be a big problem. Particularly now she had subverted Christopher Mason—

Lydecker's train of thought was cut off by shouts from outside his office. In the corridor, he found several soldiers racing about like headless chickens and Shauna lying in a heap on the floor. It was almost a pity that it was her who was unconscious, as prior to this the young woman had proven to be able to hold her own in a crisis. Lydecker couldn't say the same for the rest of the idiots around here.

_Great, just great,_ he thought to himself, as he moved over to the inert form and felt for a pulse. _She better not be dead._

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

_Please review._


	12. Part Three: Chapter Eleven

**Notes – **I want to thank the people who took the time to review this last time I posted. It's a big things for me to post, because it is easily the darkest thing that I've ever written and it is important to me to hear what you think about this – so thank you!

_Please **read** and **review.**_

-x-x-x-x-x-x-  
The bottle of sleeping pills was mesmerising. Shauna was infinitely sure that it could put her to sleep without her even having to open it – let alone actually put one of the pills in her mouth. Not that she was going to do that. Take one of these pills? Not likely.

Their purpose of the drugs was to put her to sleep, which was not the problem. The problem was the drugged part. Shauna was, by necessity, a very light sleeper. If she took the pills then that would leave her vulnerable in a way she could not afford.

However, they had been prescribed for her by a Manticore doctor because of her little fainting episode. Anyone would have thought she'd had a major heart attack, the way they had been acting. So she had collapsed from exhaustion and hypoglycaemia? Big deal. Apparently though, it had been a big deal. She had been ordered to take two weeks leave and been prescribed sleeping pills and a health shop of vitamins. Then there were the mandatory sessions with a Manticore shrink.

Still, there was no way she was taking the sleeping pills.

With a movement so sudden that Christopher jumped – they were in his apartment – she stood and stalked into the bathroom, unscrewed the cap and upended the bottle into the toilet. She pressed the flush button and watched – with pleasure – as most of the pills disappeared in a flood of water. Only a few remained when the bowl stilled, and they had already begun to dissolve.

"Why did you do that? They were prescribed to you for a reason." Chris' voice was harsh with anger. Since he had brought her back here he had barely spoken to her. She had not been overly bothered. Angry about what had been forced on her, and at herself for being so weak, she had taken a childish satisfaction at being as curt to him as he was to her.

While she was not angry with him, per se, he was a convenient target. He wasn't truly angry with her either, just very worried. Possibly angry with himself. So they were taking it out on each other. Mostly in a silent manner.

Despite it all, though, he was taking good care of her. Well, he probably thought he was. In her current state of mind, she found it annoying. Like dinner: a fish casserole with rice and some vegetables. He had eaten separately, then sat down and made her eat. Watched every last mouthful. Although it was more than she wanted – much more – he did not overfeed her, give her more food than her starved body could handle, nor was the food too rich. Still, utterly unimpressed by his solicitude, she had taken her time, eating each bite as slowly as she could. It had taken her two hours.

Shauna had hoped to put him off, but he appeared undeterred. When the situation escalated to a shouting match – well, shouting on her part, he kept his voice cold and even – he informed her that until she was eating normally again he was going to watch her eat.

There was no coffee in the apartment. The doctor said she should 'cut back' on her caffeine intake. Chris had interpreted this to mean _no_ coffee whatsoever. She spent two days in the Manticore infirmary being 'checked out'. She had been allowed no coffee there either, and then had arrived at Chris' to find he had removed all traces of it. When she asked, he offered her tea. Herbal tea. No caffeine.

"Oh, so you want me in a drugged sleep, is that right? You want me where anyone can creep up and kill me? Because that's what happens you know, I—" she broke off realizing what she had nearly said.

"You what? You've killed someone like that, have you? So you would know. I imagine you do." He snapped. All right, so they were going to drag this all out tonight. Fun.

"I'm a trained killer, you suddenly have a problem with this?" She had never killed like that. Drugs, whether used against others or yourself, were a weakness. Shauna had a certain amount of pride. She may have discovered weaknesses inside her that she never knew existed, but she'd be damned if she'd go around creating more of them.

"What I object to is you trying to kill yourself!"

The sudden apparent change of subject surprised her – were they even on the same page here? "Excuse me?" Kill herself?

"Have you looked in the mirror recently? You're a walking skeleton. A zombie. You barely eat. Do you even sleep? You aren't a _god_, Shauna, you aren't even a transgenic – yes, I know what they're capable of – so what, exactly, do you think you're trying to achieve?" Instead of being angry, the last few words came out as ragged a plea for understanding both for her and for him.

She didn't have an answer for him. What could she say? Every word was true. Shauna knew what she looked like, how she felt. Maybe killing herself was going too far, but how far? She felt like she was falling apart piece by piece.

Not knowing what else to do, but needing to escape the agonised look in Chris' eyes, she spun and all but ran out of the bathroom, out the apartment, into the night. In his eyes, she had seen caring and love all mixed up with pain – no one had ever looked at her like that and it was too much.

-x-x-x-

Chris watched her go, not knowing how to deal with this any more than he had the last time this had happened to someone he loved. He'd failed then, was he going to fail, again? Fail someone else he loved so much?

The crack of a gun…a body falling…the sharp, powerful smell of blood…nothing he could do…

Not again.

He couldn't let it happen again.

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_Please review. Your honest opinions are always important to me._


	13. Part Three: Chapter Twelve

**Rating –** R (suicide mentions, swearing)  
**Spoilers –** Heat  
**Summary –** Walls are beginning to crumble. _Breathing was becoming a struggle, was she going to faint again?_

**Disclaimer – **I don't own Dark Angel. I'm merely borrowing it for a while; I'll return it fairly intact soon enough. I have to say I've been so thrilled with my reviewers. This story didn't make much of an impact back when I first posted it, but the updated version seems to be doing all right for such a strange dark little fic.

This chapter is for burningnostalgia, because she asked for more detail, and purely co-incidentally this was one of the most descriptive chapters, setting-wise.

Other than that: _Please **read** and **review.**_

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_Shouldn't it be raining?_ That was Shauna's first thought through her emotional turmoil. The weather was supposed to suit your mood. Then she wondered why she should think that. Maybe fainting had brought out some long-hidden dramatic sense?

However, it was a beautiful night – if that was the kind of thing you noticed. The sky was clear and so many stars shone above, the air was just a little cool – winter was heading in – and the night was still and undisturbed. Perfect. Shauna stopped to shake her head and wonder why she was wool-gathering.

Her father had loved the night. He would often sneak her out, after her mother had gone to bed, and teach his daughter all about the stars and how they had been named, their movements and sometimes what various people had believed about them in the past. The young Shauna had lived for those peaceful nights.

Now, the glittering sky just reminded her of her parents and her past, something she tried not to do too much. The thoughts caused pain and the pain brought a distraction and distractions could be fatal. Plus, it tended to bring up questions about right and wrong. That kind of questions just brought trouble. Right and wrong were things she had no place to think about. Particularly when she had a job to do.

Killing she could handle, so what if people considered it wrong – they could go to hell for all she cared. They could live out their nice little lives, go to work, meet up with their lovers for a forbidden moment, and then go home to their partners and children. All the while pretending people like her didn't exist, or point moral fingers when she was caught. No skin off her nose. Sin was sin. _Let he who has no sin cast the first stone…_What did they know?

Damning innocent children, though…maybe she wasn't as immune as she thought. She could look down on the people here for what they did, but then hide behind her 'calling'. Did that make it more right than what the others did? No, not really. Unless you brought intent into the equation. Of course, that probably just made her a sociopath.

Damn it. Life was screwed up, anyway. Who really cared? She ignored all the little voices trying to answer that one.

Breathe in. Breathe out. _Nothing_ _matters_ _but_ _the_ _moment_. She focused her senses outwards, closing only her eyes. Concentrate on the surroundings: the gentlest breath of wind through the trees; the smell of damp autumn leaves; the silence of the night.

Gradually, her tranquillity came back to her. She stopped thinking about the consequences of what she was doing and instead focused on the task. Protect the women. When she was finished she would move on.

At the edge of her hearing, there was something that didn't quite match everything else. A slight disturbance. He eyes snapped open and she leapt into a defensive position.

Standing a short way away, under a street lamp, was Chris. Just watching her. The brightness highlighted his pain and confusion, a reflection of everything that she felt. Everything she was sure she'd managed to dispel until she saw him standing there.

Her lover stepped forward, wary, but not of physical attack, just an emotional storm. "Shauna, we really need to talk."

Shauna nodded cautiously. She understood very little about relationships – real ones, like the one she and Chris had – but she knew there were instances that required discussion. She supposed that the one that had just occurred warranted a 'discussion', if any ever had.

He sat beside her on the bench and for a long while neither said anything. Her sense still stretched for awareness, took in the night, and Chris. Christopher Mason, whose body didn't quite touch hers, but generated tangible warmth nonetheless. There was the usual attraction hovering between them, but that had currently sunken to a low buzz. He wasn't looking at her and she took the opportunity to look at him intently. Good looking – she knew that. Older than her – but who was counting, she would likely die first anyway. Worry lines…hang on. Pause. Those were new.

Chris had worked at Manticore for a good few years now, and that had never caused worry lines. There had been only one thing upsetting him lately. Shauna winced: herself. Some deep part of her stirred and without her conscious mind being fully aware, she reached out and brushed at the worry lines with her fingers. She felt like crying.

He started, obviously so far into his reverie that she had surprised him. She pulled back sharply, but he grabbed her hand and pulled it first, briefly, to his cheek, and then just to hold.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

He sighed. "Oh Shauna, I love you, do you know that?"

The young woman froze and knew that to any observer she was utterly still. _Love? Since when?_ She wanted to run away from him again, because he was looking at her with the same look of care, love and worry he had in the apartment before she'd raced out. She wasn't ready for this; she'd never be ready for this. Every part of her felt electric, but she couldn't move.

Sensing her sudden terror, he very, very slowly reached out and ran a soft hand over her cheek, imitating her earlier gesture. "You don't have to say anything," he said softly.

She shook her head. "But how can you?"

"Because you are beautiful and wonderful, and when you're not around I just want to be with you, and when you are, there's nothing better." Breathing was becoming a struggle, was she going to faint again?

Her forced laugh was tinged with bitterness. "That's lust, Chris."

"No, it's not." Neither of them had raised their voices above a whisper and it emphasised the strangeness of the moment. Her skin felt more electrified than ever. "Lust is about sex, and while what I feel is tied up with that, it's not all. Not nearly all."

She shuddered as his hands came up and brushed her cheeks again, wiping away wetness she hadn't realised was there. She tried to turn away, to hide her tears, but he wouldn't let her, "It kills me to see you hurting like this."

"Why are you making more of this than it is?" she asked and she could hear the plaintive note in her voice.

"I don't think I am. But if that's the case, there's something you should know, about my sister, Lucy."

She knew he had two younger sisters, and one of them, Lucy, was dead. He wouldn't tell her anything, though. She frowned in confusion. "What about her?"

"When she was sixteen she had anorexia. We'd always been close, but when I went away to college we drifted apart a little. I was busy with my new life, and although I loved her, she was part of something I was gradually moving away from. I didn't want to stay in a small town for the rest of my life, managing the store or something, I wanted more…" he paused and she could see the brief struggle in his eyes, but did not comment. "I didn't realise what was wrong, no-one did, not Mom, not Janet, not until she collapsed at school one day."

Here Shauna closed her eyes in realisation. She wasn't totally clueless about people, she knew for him, finding out she had collapsed from something similar to his dead sister, must have torn something in him.

"I caught the first plane home. I still didn't know what was wrong until I walked into the hospital after a six-hour flight. She was lying on that bed, and you could see every bone in her body. She looked so much like you did after…" he trailed off and she opened her mouth to say something, anything. But he touched his fingers to her lips and shook his head. She received the message, if she spoke he would not be able to, and he needed to say this.

"She did get better, after awhile, or at least we thought she did. It was the summer, and I was home, again. Janet had gone shopping with some friends, and Mom was at work. I'd just gone down to the store to get some tomatoes for dinner. On my way up the path there was a gunshot. When I got inside, Lucy was dead. She'd found one of Dad's old guns, bought ammo for it, and killed herself. Afterwards, it turned out that she'd stopped going to see her shrink. She'd told him that she was seeing someone else, but she'd been pretending to everyone else that she was still seeing him. No one ever picked up on it. It wasn't only the eating thing, she was clinically depressed as well." He shook his head. "No-one noticed, not even me."

"It wasn't your fault," Shauna finally said.

"I've been told that over and over, but I still don't believe it, not really. Or maybe, most of me does, but there's still a little bit that wonders." There was something broken in his voice. Instinctively, she wanted to fix it, like she'd never wanted to fix anything in her life before.

"You couldn't have done anything," she whispered. Lifting one leg, she swung her weight so she was straddling his legs, and settled back on his knees. Their faces were level, but he wouldn't look at her. She brushed at the tears running down his cheeks. She'd not comforted anyone like this before, but found it didn't matter, she knew how.

Cupping his face in her hands she tilted it upwards, so they could look at each other. "Listen to me," she said quietly. "You didn't cause her to die, and I know these things." She gave a self-deprecating smile. "You can't even say you could have prevented it." Chris shook his head, and her hand moved with it. These were things he'd gone over years ago, she could see his reluctance to talk about it. Maybe she should have pressed him, but she was no psychologist, and she knew there was another issue here. Her.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, and his sudden change of topic confused her momentarily. It must have shown in her face because he continued. "I'm being controlling, but I can close my eyes and still see Lucy lying there. First, in that hospital bed, and later in a pool of blood. I don't want to lose you." Knowing in graphic detail exactly what he must be seeing, Shauna grimaced.

"I'm not going to kill myself, Chris. I've seen death. It's not something I'm in a hurry to experience myself. I'm just a screwed up person who doesn't understand why you want to be near me."

"I guess we can just be two screwed up people together. I love you. I know you don't want to hear it, but it's true."

"I can't give you anything in return, Chris. I…I just can't."

His hand came up to one of hers and rested against it. "I know."

She ignored all thoughts of security and leaned into rest against his shoulder. He leaned his head on hers. They stayed there for a long time.

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_Please review. Your honest thoughts and opinions mean the world to me._


	14. Part Three: Chapter Thirteen

**Rating –** PG-13/T (suicide mentions, swearing)  
**Spoilers –** Heat  
**Summary –** Walls are beginning to crumble. _So long had it been since she'd really taken the time to look in the mirror, that the change was shocking._  
**Disclaimer – **I don't own Dark Angel. I'm merely borrowing it for a while; I'll return it fairly intact soon enough.

Other than that: _Please **read** and **review.**_

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Shauna winced as she rolled out of bed. It was early, but her body clock, so used to early mornings, had woken her and she wasn't going to go back to sleep now. Damn, there wasn't a part of her that didn't ache. She stretched her arms, and then stopped. Wow, that was painful. They had pushed themselves last night. Were those bruises? Yes. On both arms there were several finger shaped bruises that Chris had given her at the height of passion. She remembered now. Remembering something else, her fingers went to her neck and she hurried to the bathroom, to the mirror.

There it was. Shauna swore. _The bastard!_ She was going to have to wear a high collar whenever she went out in public for the next few days. They'd never been as rough on each other before, not in bed. At the same time, it had been…amazing. She felt delicious heat swirl through her. A rising blush followed, she'd never done anything like that before.

As she slipped her robe off, she noticed her nipples had hardened with desire. Then she noticed the rest of her. Any of the heat she felt died out of her. She could see what Chris had been talking about, now. Bones stood out clearly, all over. Her body had never looked so wasted. Her hair hung limply, slack and damaged. There were dark shadows under her eyes.

So long had it been since she'd really taken the time to look in the mirror, that the change was shocking. Most mornings she didn't even bother, what she saw only made her sick. Now she took a good look, fighting past the horror and the guilt. With a certain amount of worry, she noticed the muscle she had lost. It would take time and effort to build up her body to the one she had had. Sleep would fix some, and food would be – she winced – invaluable. She'd been trained to go long periods of time without food or sleep, but at the same time she knew that to perform at her best she needed both on a regular basis.

Last night she had slept better than she had in weeks. Whatever else had happened between her and Chris, something had given her enough peace of mind to get some rest. The young woman still felt drained and out of sorts, but somehow last night had been a turning point for her.

Carefully, she ran her eyes over herself, noting where she needed the most work – pretty much everywhere – her eyes stopped on a piece of her anatomy that was particularly achy this morning – he'd worked it over good last night. Something flickered through her mind and it took a second to grasp what it was telling her. When she finally figured it out, she began frantically calculating. _When was the last time…?_

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When Christopher woke to his alarms, Shauna was not in the bed beside him, so he supposed she was up and about. For a few moments, after slapping the piercing noise off, he lay on his back and enjoyed the not-quite-awake feeling, ignoring the pain from the night before. The emotional pain, anyway.

He could feel the faint line of scratches down his back and, as more of his memory surfaced, knew Shauna probably had something similar. Last night had been about fighting demons and, verbally and physically, they had done that in more ways than one. As he sat up, the muscles in his back and neck protested. Last night certainly had been a night to remember.

A part of him wished it hadn't happened like that. His confessions to Shauna. Part of him was hurt that she didn't respond favourably to his declaration of love, or returned it. _But at least she hasn't run away_.

Chris didn't know if Shauna loved him, but she was sticking around. At least he hoped she was. A small lick of apprehension settled inside him – he couldn't hear her moving about. That wasn't unusual in itself; she didn't often make much noise on her own. Still he had to check. She couldn't go far, as breaking a contract at Manticore wasn't in her best interests, but she could refuse to have anything to do with him…

Shauna wasn't in the main room or the kitchen. He checked the bathroom, and found her sitting, stark naked, on the toilet seat. He had to admit to being aroused at the sight of her just sitting there. Even with all the weight she'd lost, and how sick she looked, he wanted her. _I love her_. Love and sex did not necessarily go together, but when they did, they made for an intoxicating experience.

Unfortunately, there was something in the way she looked at him – pale and blank – that alerted him something was wrong. Her cheeks held a faintly greenish tinge, while her dark eyes were glazed and unfocused. She reminded him of someone in shock. He approached her carefully. "Shauna, honey, are you alright?"

Blinking she focused on his face, but she still looked dazed. "I'm late," she said softly.

_Huh?_ "Late for what? Not work, you don't have to go in, remember?"

"No." Despite the vacant expression on her face, she shook her head violently. "Not that. I know that. My p…my…my period. Very late."

He felt his brow crease while what she said sunk in. When it did, it felt like he'd been doused in icy water then had an electric current run through him. That meant she could be preg— no, no wait it was actually unlikely. He remembered, painfully, when Lucy had first gotten sick, he'd done some research. One of the side-effects…

Kneeling in front of Shauna he took her hands – they were so small and gaunt – in his own. She watched him. He was about to tell her when she spoke, in a vague tone of voice, "I might be having a baby."

"No, I don't think so. Shh, listen, don't say anything just yet. When I first found out about Lucy, I did some research just to see what was going on with her to see…to see if I could help her. One thing I remember is that women, if they're not…not eating enough, they, they, well, sometimes they stop getting their…their…er…monthly thing." Despite his pain for his sister and his worry for Shauna he felt a twinge of embarrassment at mentioning something so private, so female.

Her face cleared slightly, and then turned distrustful. "Truth?" she asked.

"Truth," he answered. "But if you want, we can get one of those tests things, if you like?"

She nodded. "I think that would be best." Relief doused her features, and he felt a brief twang; she hadn't wanted the baby at all.

As impractical as a child would be, right now, he'd always thought he'd be a father some day. It hurt to think that Shauna might not feel the same, even if he should have realised that the chances of her wanting a child would be slim. Her life-style simply didn't allow for it. But a baby? _Oh, give it a rest, one, you're not married to the girl, two, this is hardly a time for either of you to be saddled with a child._ However, the thoughts refused to leave him all through the day.

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**A/N: **Sorry, it's so short, but I promise the next one is very long. Please review.


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